So today I’ve travelled down to London for a two day workshop. It’s amazing how easily you can get lost in the crowd here. I need sunshine and the room I’m in smells – it is a travel lodge! I’ve found an outdoor area in a local pub and I’m sat watching the crowds. To say I’m antsy is an understatement. I’m still struggling with the idea of being pregnant – not helped by the fact I’m out of my comfort zone. If I had a wish right now I’d be at home. I feel fat and bloated and not at all attractive – I’m definitely suffering from low self and don’t know how to get happy. To stop whinging and feeling like a bit of a looser. All I keep thinking is that I’m acting like my mother – have I finally sucumbered to those genes. I feel like I’m being self destructive and I’m wondering if that is because I feel like I am alone in this whole thing?
My partner is still overseas having a blast with friends while I struggle alone wondering how this is all going to work out.
Am I anti social? Am I such a misery that noone wants to hang out? To be fair I’m not reaching out to people, to be honest I’m not sure I have the motivation.
Is my unhappiness a reflection of the fact I want to go back home to New Zealand? The grass is definitely not greener but I’m finding it hard to figure out who I am and where my place is. And my partner’s ability to just fuck off and do his own thing is certainly not helping.
I think I’m waiting for him to man up. To make some decisions about where we live and find me and our future family a home we can all feel comfortable in – not just him. But I think I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. I think I either accept the situation or just go and try and find my happy. Sat in this pub is not it that’s for sure.